All Things Wedding Officiant
A wedding ceremony is, in many ways, the single most important piece to a wedding. This is what brings all of your friends and family together to celebrate! When you become engaged you are agreeing to make a commitment through a marriage ceremony. Agreeing to make this ceremonial commitment is the catalyst that inspires all of the additional pretty, fun, and functional aspects to your wedding day. It is important to find an officiant that will preform a ceremony that aligns with your vision, values, and beliefs. Since the officiant will lead your wedding ceremony, and is typically in charge of writing the ceremony, this person will play a pivotal role in getting your marriage started on the right foot. Follow this guide to feel confident in the person you select to officiate your wedding!
This guide is divided into 3 sections:
Things to know and consider prior to booking a wedding officiant
Questions to ask an officiant prior to booking
Ways to maximize your officiant’s services
Things to know and consider prior to booking a wedding officiant
Officiants are called many things. A wedding officiant is any legally certified person delivering a wedding ceremony. This can be a religious leader, non-denominational ordained professional, or an ordained friend. Some of the most common names for officiants are:
Officiant
Celebrant
Justice of the Peace
Any religious leader (i.e. Priest, Rabbi, Preacher, Pastor, Swami, Minister, etc.)
Any person can officiate your wedding, but they must be ordained in order to legally marry you. Whoever is delivering your wedding ceremony must be ordained prior to your wedding ceremony, in order for your marriage to be legal. Becoming ordained online is easy and FREE! This is awesome news if you want a friend or family member to officiate your wedding! It is also a great reason to properly vet any person claiming to be a professional. Since it is so simple to obtain certification to legally perform marriages, essentially anyone can provide this service. Be sure to read reviews, gather samples of their work, have a clear understanding of the exact services they will provide, and ensure your personalities mesh well before hiring a professional wedding officiant.
Certain places of worship will require you to use their religious leader. If you find a chapel other than your usual place of worship, you may have to use their in-house worship leader to perform your ceremony. This is typically only an issue if you are hosting your wedding out of town and wish to fly your own religious leader in for your wedding. Confirm with your chapel prior to booking that this is okay! If you intend to be married at a place of worship, confirm with them their policies on outside vendors, prior to booking your officiant to avoid potentially loosing a deposit.
Certain religious leaders require both parties involved in the marriage be officially baptized (or the equivalent) into their faith. Most couples who come across this issue are already aware of this prior to becoming engaged. A couple important things to note on this topic:
Just because some or most religious leaders of a certain faith require this, doesn’t mean that all leaders in your faith will. Finding someone who will do this may prove a challenge for certain religions, but they are out there!
(Take or leave this point as you see fit…) If your fiance is uncomfortable changing religions, it isn’t a great idea to pressure them into switching. You are agreeing to marry this person because you love them for who they already are (and vice versa!). Their religious beliefs (or lack thereof) are a huge piece of who they are- so to change this, is to change them. If this proves to be a huge hinderance on wedding planning, seek the professional guidance of a marriage counselor whose services are rooted in any faith (especially neither of your own) for some unbiased support as you navigate this delicate territory.
Sometimes neither of the engaged parties will really care about each other’s religious beliefs, but family members will. The best advice on this is to make your family feel heard by addressing their reasoning for wanting you to have certain religious aspects incorporated into your wedding, but ultimately remember and remind them that it is YOUR wedding and YOUR commitment, NOT your family’s. For more advice on this incredibly touchy subject, reference the “Managing Outside Opinions Surrounding Your Wedding” guide.
Certain religious leaders require you to take premarital counseling or classes with them prior to your wedding. Premarital counseling or classes are not a bad thing! They provide the opportunity to gauge how “on the same page” you and your fiance are by encouraging you to discuss your visions and plans for some of life’s common and major milestones prior to making a major commitment. However, you may not find counseling or classes necessary in your unique situation and these services almost always cost additional money. Check with your potential officiant for their policies and rates for these services. If your officiant doesn’t require premarital counseling or classes, you may still want to consider doing this! There are plenty of professionals out there offering premarital counseling completely separate from officiating services.
Most wedding ceremonies are customized by the officiant based on the couple they are intended for. The officiant will write your wedding ceremony. Many couples, especially those opting out of full religious ceremonies, will choose to write their own wedding vows. Aside from the vows, the officiant will plan the rest of the speaking. They usually include a little background on themselves, why they were chosen to officiate (i.e. “I’ve been a close friend…,” “I have been X’s Rabbi since they were little…” etc.), an anecdote about the couple, and some words of wisdom to the couple. Make sure you find someone who is going to write a beautiful ceremony that will put you and your guests in the right mindset for commitment!
You will likely watch the video of your ceremony many times throughout your life, make sure you find an officiant you want to hear over, and over again! Aside from the ceremony itself, make sure that you like your officiant's voice, speaking style, level of formality, and ceremony delivery style. You can do this by requesting sample videos from previous ceremonies! If you choose to have a friend or family member officiate, they don’t necessarily need to write the ceremony in its entirety. However, you probably won’t want to hear the whole ceremony prior to the wedding (the element of surprise in the moment makes the ceremony fun and extra special!). You can get around this by writing a decent portion of the ceremony, but leaving a section in the beginning blank for them to prepare something special. Alternatively, you can let them know specific things you’d like included (or left out!) to help guide their ceremony creation process. For example, if you love a particular quote or want special readings done you can ask them to include these in the ceremony.
If you choose a friend or family member to officiate, choose wisely! Choosing a significant person in your life to lead your wedding ceremony is a great way to add a level of personalization to your wedding. This is also a great way to save money, since becoming ordained online is free! If you are exploring the possibility of asking a friend or family member to officiant your wedding, there are a few key characteristics to consider before signing them up.
Find a person that is close, but ideally not too close to either party being married. Being extremely close to one of the parties shouldn’t necessarily count out an individual as a possible officiant, but it does open the door for the person getting a little too emotional. A little emotion is great! It makes the ceremony that much more special! However, if you, your fiance, AND your officiant are all heavily crying throughout the ceremony you may need to take a lot of breaks and the ceremony may last longer than you anticipated. Alternatively, if you and your fiance aren’t big criers, having a blubbering officiant may seem out of place and alter the vibe you wanted for your ceremony. That being said, if a family member or very close friend is perfect in every other way and you’re confident they will have a very appropriate control over their emotions, they might just be the ideal person to lead your ceremony. In contrast, a person too emotionally distant from the couple may not take the role as seriously, may be unable to write a heartfelt and/or meaningful ceremony, and may not be in your lives down the road. A person in the sweet-spot will be close enough to be a constant presence throughout your lives, know enough to create a thoughtful and genuine ceremony, and be removed enough to keep the crying to a minimum.
Are they a good public speaker? Think through how confident this person will be speaking in front of a crowd. Even if they are usually an outgoing and gregarious person, this won’t necessarily translate to public speaking. Does their job require them to speak publicly or give presentations? Do they have any experience speaking into a microphone? A few factors that will play into the overall success as a public speaker are experience, confidence, natural speaking volume, and meeting the perfect sweet spot in closeness to you.
Will they respect the significance of the ceremony? Including a few jokes and taking a playful approach to delivering your wedding ceremony is totally fine, if that is what you want! However, there is a difference between keeping things light-hearted and playful vs. turning your wedding ceremony into a complete joke. You want to feel like you just made a meaningful commitment to one another at the end of your ceremony, not like you just were the butt of a joke.
You want an officiant, not a character. This is an extension of the last point, but it is worth diving further into detail. Confidence and cockiness are two different things. When selecting an officiant, be hyperaware of the difference. If the person you are considering always seems to be “on” when around people, they are likely not the best person to officiate your wedding. Your wedding ceremony shouldn’t be an opportunity for your officiant to put on a show for the guests. If this person tends to be a “class clown” type, commands all of the attention when they walk into any room, or has an air of self-importance, you run the risk of them making your special moment about them, instead of about your love and commitment. Again, putting their own flavor, personality, and a level of playfulness into the ceremony is great! Taking advantage of a seated crowd and microphone access to practice their latest standup, is not so great.
How likely is this person to adequately prepare for our wedding ceremony? If you have an individual in mind who is a great public speaker and will be respectful to the significance of the day, in theory they will adequately prepare. They will write a thoughtful and beautiful ceremony that matches your personalities and practice enough to deliver the ceremony like a true friend and professional! However, if you are considering someone with a notorious track record of procrastination, maybe keep searching.
Make sure they are up for the task. Let them know what the job entails in-full, upfront before allowing them to commit. If you sense any hesitation, don’t pressure them! This is a big favor you are asking of someone, so if they don’t want to do it or they are worried about their ability to perform let them off the hook! Whenever you ask make sure they know they don’t have to officiate, but that you thought they would be a great and meaningful person for the job!
Questions to ask an officiant prior to booking
The basics-
Are you legally certified to marry people in my state? Through which institution did you receive your certificate?
Are you available on my date?
Can you work within my budget?
Do you require a deposit? How much?
When is the balance due?
What is your preferred method of payment?
What is your cancellation policy if I cancel?
What is your cancellation policy if you cancel?
What is your rescheduling policy if I need to change my date?
What is the backup plan if you are personally unable to fulfill your contract due to a last minute conflict?
Are there any additional fees such as travel fees, delivery fees, etc. that are not included in the package price?
Are you insured? Does the insurance cover all of your staff and property?
Experience & style information-
How long have you been officiating weddings?
How many weddings do you typically officiate a weekend?
How many weddings do you typically officiate a year?
How do you identify religiously?
If you identify with a certain religion, how much of that religion is incorporated into the ceremonies you deliver? (Hint: Some non-denominational religious officiants will still incorporate mentions of God or prayers into the wedding ceremony. If this is something you’d like to minimize or avoid completely make sure they are willing to comply with this request!)
If you don’t identify with any religion, can we still request a few mentions of God in our ceremony? (Hint: Some couples wishing to minimize mention of God, still want one or two references. If you find a non-religious officiant make sure that they are comfortable and willing to make this accommodation!)
The ceremony details-
Do you have a set ceremony script or will you customize our ceremony for us?
How do you create and customize our ceremony?
Are we allowed to have input in certain aspects of our ceremony? If so, how much input and on what aspects are we allowed to offer our opinions? (Hint: If you want any readings done by the officiant or a wedding guest, special ceremonies such as sand ceremony, glass ceremony, cord ceremony, etc., songs sung by friends or family, etc., be sure to confirm that the officiant is comfortable and willing to allow these things to happen!)
Can we write our own vows? Can you help us with this? If we decide we need support with our vows, how will you offer guidance?
How long do your ceremonies typically last? Can we shorten or extend this time if we were picturing something a little different?
When will you arrive on our wedding day?
What will you wear on our wedding day? (Hint: This person will be front and center for the duration of your ceremony, which makes them a focal point for your guests. They will also be in a lot of your ceremony pictures, so make sure their attire is something professional that won’t distract from you and your fiance!)
Pre-wedding access & requirements-
How many times will we meet before our wedding?
Will you attend our ceremony rehearsal?
Will you lead our ceremony rehearsal? (Hint: Oftentimes religious leaders of certain faiths prefer or require they lead ceremony rehearsals without any assistance from wedding coordinators or planners. If running the rehearsal is not included in your officiant’s services, your wedding planner or day-of coordinator will typically lead the ceremony rehearsal.)
Do you offer or require premarital counseling? Is there an additional fee for this service?
Ways to maximize your officiant’s services
Communicate your vision for the ceremony clearly. Whether you want long, short, deeply religious, no mention of religion, etc. let your officiant know! Be clear about your expectations so they can make adjustments accordingly.
Meet with your officiant and tell them a little about yourselves! In order for a ceremony to be personal, the officiant needs the opportunity to get to know you and your fiance. When you meet with your officiant, give them some details about how you met, some important chapters in your relationship’s history, and a good idea of who you are as individuals and a couple.
Do some research on your own into wedding ceremonies. Not only will this help you find things you want to incorporate into your own ceremony, but it will also give you an idea of things you don’t want included in your ceremony. Even if you don’t find anything you’d like included verbatim, you may find general ideas or even smaller ceremonies (i.e. sand ceremony, cord ceremony, glass ceremony, etc.) to incorporate into your overall ceremony.
Write your vows and share them with your officiant. Some officiants will offer feedback on your wedding vows. If they do, take advantage of this service! Make sure your words are coherent and cohesive to a third party and will fit into the time you have chosen to allot for your overall ceremony.